seven poems in eight days

I broke my poem streak yesterday because I accidentally fell asleep last night at 8:30. As I was falling asleep, I remember thinking about how I needed to write a new poem (!) and how I needed to pick up the toys in the backyard (!!) in case it rained (it did not). But I didn’t do either of those things. I just slept, and I imagine that’s just what I needed to do right then. But I’ve been a little grumpy today, and now as I reflect, I think this small failure could be part of the reason why. I feel like I let myself down.

Sometimes it’s hard to honor all the different needs we have. This is one of my central struggles as a mom -- how do I take care of this person’s needs when I feel like my own needs are already more than I can hold? Different chat for a different time...but the short answer there is, grace + more grace. Also failure. lol but serious.

Plus, I kind of had a feeling that when I decided to do seven poems in seven days, it wouldn’t go to plan. The reason I even assigned myself these poems is that I want to grow to be more in-stride with this part of my identity I am learning to claim, as a writer. It is common practice with writers to write every single day, and as far as I can tell, the reason is that you can’t wait until you feel like writing. I know from my own experience that if I only wrote when I felt like it, I’d hardly ever do it. In fact, I don’t write predominantly because I want to, but because when I don’t write, I’m much worse off than when I do. It’s actually a huge pain either to stop what I’m doing to write, or if I’m not doing something else, to let go of the possibility of something else more exciting happening by starting to write.

So I need the pressure. I need a project, and I need a deadline.

I missed my deadline yesterday, and while I feel like I let myself down a little, I also can appreciate that I needed some extra sleep. It helps to admit feeling disappointed, because that allows me to forgive myself and let it go. With all this on my mind, I kept having this thought today -- sometimes what matters more than how I show up, is that I show up at all. I’m showing up late this time, and perhaps grumpy. But I’m here.

Today’s poem is inspired by the way I see God’s posture toward me -- the expectation that I come as I am, however I am. What can I do besides that, anyway?