dreaming at midnight

I am all worked up right now thinking about the dreams I have, that I cannot actualize today, or perhaps ever, but I cannot not pursue.

And so the day went.

Distracted, dissatisfied...I will not despair, because I am too sure of the goodness that encircles me. It hugs me so tightly that I could not doubt it, not for longer than a short moment.

Still, I look for ways to get after what I want. Do I rush ahead, out of step, out of time? Or do I follow the true north, the effects of its gravity strongly grasping my heart, pulling it on, it going first, leading the rest of me.

This is how I want to be...led by the heart, tugged ahead, ready or not.

I want to live out these dreams for myself. And yet, I also want to live the dreams of my maker, they being doubtlessly grander than my own; the trial of trust produces a sweet harvest that savors of not running amok at my own hand.

It seems to be an unknowable difference, my plans and his.

They are two sides of the same mountain, leading to this sharply pitched peak which I now inch across. It seems not worth the risk, to slip off one side and miss the destination, just to determine the different paths of arrival.

It does not so much matter which side I came up. All that matters now, is that I keep moving ahead. Trust is my anchor, and it’s what’s holding me up.